Multimedia reporting by Courtney Campbell
Sophomore Rachel Kauwe watched as her sister was hunched over the toilet, purging herself. Suffering from an eating disorder herself since middle school, she knew that something needed to be done, to fix herself and her family.
Kauwe has had more struggles than the average Elon student. When she was a baby, her father’s ex-wife once attempted to roll her families car down a hill, while Kauwe was in it. This lead to a move from California to North Carolina and a disconnect with her half siblings.
Additionally, her father was struggling to start up a beef jerky business, which put stress on the family financially.
Throughout her life, her family has had difficulties to make ends meet causing her to make sacrifices, which impacted her control and eating habits.
“When me and my sister were growing up and I could see my parents giving to us,” Kauwe said. “So I decided I would take a little from my stuff and give to my sister and my mom. I got in the habit of giving to my sister and not getting anything.”
This habit of taking very little food caused Kauwe to devourer whatever food she could when it was available. It became an ongoing trend of binging that led her to gain weight. Already ostracized from the wealthier kids in the area, Kauwe was now bullied for her weight as well and her confidence dropped.
A slippery slope to recovery
While working on a project on eating disorders with her bulimic friend in middle school, the two learned about their mental diseases and decided to help each other get better. Instead, they ended up switching disorders. Kauwe’s friend began to binge eat every so often while she began to purge to lose weight.
Kauwe could not control her family’s financial situation or how other kids viewed her, but she could control how much she ate.
“I was 40 pounds less,” Kauwe said. “I quite purging and I started exercising and took it to an extreme. There’s healthy exercising and then there’s all I’m doing is exercising.”
Dealing with an eating disorder, Kauwe still managed to put her family first and helped out with their growing business, as her eating disorder grew and mixed with anxiety and depression.
Kauwe kept her disorder away from her family for a long time, especially her father who doesn’t fully understand psychological disorders. It wasn’t until her sophomore year of high school that she realized that she needed to get help.
She listened as her younger sister opened up to her that she was also suffering from binge eating and bulimia. Kauwe then decided to open up to her mother, who has also suffered from depression and an eating disorder herself. Although they were different circumstances, it was something they could help each other through.
“The second I found out my sister was doing it, I knew we needed to do something,” Kauwe said.
Together, the two found online counseling, where the could get the help they needed without their parents knowing or the expensive costs for an in person therapy session. Eventually, they reached out to school counselors and slowly recovered, using one another as a support system.
Luckily for Kauwe’s sister, she wasn’t that deep into her disorder, so she has fully recovered. For Kauwe, its never going away because it is so deeply rooted in her past. However, during her junior year she gained a better handle on her disorder, but she still slips.
“When I don’t take time for myself it becomes a trigger,” Kauwe sad. “If I become physically exhausted that’s a trigger for me because I lose control of my life, but I can control this, but I end up losing control again.”
Currently, Kauwe can count on her hand the number of times she has had an episode since that time, which is a step in the right direction for her.
Receiving the crown in confidence
Shortly after losing the weight from her disorder, Kauwe began to compete in Miss North Carolina in 2010. She believed that she could finally compete and fit in, but this was an experience that helped her grow in her confidence more so than win a crown.
At first Kauwe was very self conscious and thought her competition would consider her a fraud, pretending to be upper class, but quickly learned that these girls were very supported and made connections instantly.
“No one really cares about how you act,” Kauwe said. “At the end of the day you’re the one accountable for your actions and what you say. And if you can’t, you’re letting someone else control it.”
She now has the confidence to ask a stranger how their day was and to smile at everyone she walks by. She believes people genuinely care about others stories and everyone is simply a friend waiting to happen.
For one of her events in 2014, she competed in the spokes model competition, which focused on confidence and creating platform for it. Kauwe chose to speak on mental and eating disorders and having the strength to reach out to others.
“Its okay when your not okay, just let other people help you,” she spoke to the crowd. “It takes a lot of strength to help yourself, but it takes more strength to be vulnerable and let other help you.”
Her speech went so well she was asked to make an appearance at Riverside High School in Durham, where girls were facing similar struggles to Kauwe. She was able to talk to 800 girls about believing in themselves while letting other help — her dream come true.
Although she wants to inspire others, she would rather others inspire her by taking her advice.
“I really like helping people,” Kauwe said. “It helps me to help others. It’s one of the ways I deal with myself and get better.”
Since then she has done similar speeches in other high schools in the triangle, including Alamance County.
Let there be light
Despite dealing with low confidence and a eating disorder, Kauwe still managed to focus her efforts on her education. She wanted to be better than her parents, who are both overweight and dropped out of college.
“I cut myself off from social life and focused a lot of getting ahead,” she said. “I decided I was going to be fit and I was going to do very, very well in school.”
This allowed her to come into college with 36 credits. It has also allowed her to take the next two years off to do missionary work.
Kauwe joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) about a year and a half ago. After attending different kinds of churches for about four years, she did her research and decided that they fit best in terms of her morals and believes.
It was at her church in Durham where Kauwe got additionally help with recovering from her eating disorders. Filled with mental health professionals from Duke and UNC Chapel Hill, she was able to open up to them and get additional support while they kept everything completely confidential.
This has also given her otherworldly perspective that helps her deal with her control issues.
“That’s why I like religion,” Kauwe said. “It’s like look uour not okay now but there are forces beyond your control that can help you if you’re willing to help yourself.”
She knew that she wanted to go on a missionary trip with the LDS at some point, but expected it to be after she graduated. However, at the end of fall semester she began to question whether or not Elon was the place where she belonged and decided to look at her options.
“I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go on a mission,” Kauwe said. “I talked to my mission leader and bishop, Todd Coleman, and we started saying a prayer, but we didn’t need to finish because we both knew this is what needed to happen.”
Coleman is also an associate professor of music at Elon University, furthering a connection between religion and school for Kauwe and a source for support. He said members of the LDS have an emotional and spiritual connection by devoting multiple hours to the church each week and following moral codes.
Missionaries take this with them as they share the word of the gospel and partake in service.
Coleman served his own mission in Minnesota a few years ago and found an immense amount of growth in himself and believe Kauwe will too.
Kauwe learns in April where she’ll be heading. When she returns it will be her senior year, allowing her to graduate with her class.
For the missionary trip, Kauwe plans on keeping an open mind. She knows not everyone will agree with her beliefs, but hopes to educate them through her own experiences and what the church has done for her.
“Even if others don’t accept the religion I aceept they can still learn from other religions,” she said. “If I can serve someone else and do that, and serve people who do have or don’t have the same believes that’s for my benefit.”
Courtney Campbell 