Elon student Rachel Kauwe finds strength in eating disorder recovery and religion

Multimedia reporting by Courtney Campbell

Sophomore Rachel Kauwe watched as her sister was hunched over the toilet, purging herself. Suffering from an eating disorder herself since middle school, she knew that something needed to be done, to fix herself and her family.

Kauwe has had more struggles than the average Elon student. When she was a baby, her father’s ex-wife once attempted to roll her families car down a hill, while Kauwe was in it. This lead to a move from California to North Carolina and a disconnect with her half siblings.

Additionally, her father was struggling to start up a beef jerky business, which put stress on the family financially.

Rachel Kauwe smiles big, looking towards the future.

Throughout her life, her family has had difficulties to make ends meet causing her to make sacrifices, which impacted her control and eating habits.

“When me and my sister were growing up and I could see my parents giving to us,” Kauwe said. “So I decided I would take a little from my stuff and give to my sister and my mom. I got in the habit of giving to my sister and not getting anything.”

This habit of taking very little food caused Kauwe to devourer whatever food she could when it was available. It became an ongoing trend of binging that led her to gain weight. Already ostracized from the wealthier kids in the area, Kauwe was now bullied for her weight as well and her confidence dropped.

A slippery slope to recovery

While working on a project on eating disorders with her bulimic friend in middle school, the two learned about their mental diseases and decided to help each other get better. Instead, they ended up switching disorders. Kauwe’s friend began to binge eat every so often while she began to purge to lose weight.

Kauwe could not control her family’s financial situation or how other kids viewed her, but she could control how much she ate.

“I was 40 pounds less,” Kauwe said. “I quite purging and I started exercising and took it to an extreme. There’s healthy exercising and then there’s all I’m doing is exercising.”

Dealing with an eating disorder, Kauwe still managed to put her family first and helped out with their growing business, as her eating disorder grew and mixed with anxiety and depression.

Kauwe kept her disorder away from her family for a long time, especially her father who doesn’t fully understand psychological disorders. It wasn’t until her sophomore year of high school that she realized that she needed to get help.

She listened as her younger sister opened up to her that she was also suffering from binge eating and bulimia. Kauwe then decided to open up to her mother, who has also suffered from depression and an eating disorder herself. Although they were different circumstances, it was something they could help each other through.

“The second I found out my sister was doing it, I knew we needed to do something,” Kauwe said.

Together, the two found online counseling, where the could get the help they needed without their parents knowing or the expensive costs for an in person therapy session. Eventually, they reached out to school counselors and slowly recovered, using one another as a support system.

Luckily for Kauwe’s sister, she wasn’t that deep into her disorder, so she has fully recovered. For Kauwe, its never going away because it is so deeply rooted in her past. However, during her junior year she gained a better handle on her disorder, but she still slips.

“When I don’t take time for myself it becomes a trigger,” Kauwe sad. “If I become physically exhausted that’s a trigger for me because I lose control of my life, but I can control this, but I end up losing control again.”

Currently, Kauwe can count on her hand the number of times she has had an episode since that time, which is a step in the right direction for her.

Receiving the crown in confidence

Shortly after losing the weight from her disorder, Kauwe began to compete in Miss North Carolina in 2010. She believed that she could finally compete and fit in, but this was an experience that helped her grow in her confidence more so than win a crown.

At first Kauwe was very self conscious and thought her competition would consider her a fraud, pretending to be upper class, but quickly learned that these girls were very supported and made connections instantly.

“No one really cares about how you act,” Kauwe said. “At the end of the day you’re the one accountable for your actions and what you say. And if you can’t, you’re letting someone else control it.”

She now has the confidence to ask a stranger how their day was and to smile at everyone she walks by. She believes people genuinely care about others stories and everyone is simply a friend waiting to happen.

Rachel Kauwe writes, trying to remember her speech.

For one of her events in 2014, she competed in the spokes model competition, which focused on confidence and creating platform for it. Kauwe chose to speak on mental and eating disorders and having the strength to reach out to others.

“Its okay when your not okay, just let other people help you,” she spoke to the crowd. “It takes a lot of strength to help yourself, but it takes more strength to be vulnerable and let other help you.”

Her speech went so well she was asked to make an appearance at Riverside High School in Durham, where girls were facing similar struggles to Kauwe. She was able to talk to 800 girls about believing in themselves while letting other help — her dream come true.

Although she wants to inspire others, she would rather others inspire her by taking her advice.

“I really like helping people,” Kauwe said. “It helps me to help others. It’s one of the ways I deal with myself and get better.”

Since then she has done similar speeches in other high schools in the triangle, including Alamance County.

Let there be light

Despite dealing with low confidence and a eating disorder, Kauwe still managed to focus her efforts on her education. She wanted to be better than her parents, who are both overweight and dropped out of college.

“I cut myself off from social life and focused a lot of getting ahead,” she said. “I decided I was going to be fit and I was going to do very, very well in school.”

This allowed her to come into college with 36 credits. It has also allowed her to take the next two years off to do missionary work.

Kauwe joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) about a year and a half ago. After attending different kinds of churches for about four years, she did her research and decided that they fit best in terms of her morals and believes.

It was at her church in Durham where Kauwe got additionally help with recovering from her eating disorders. Filled with mental health professionals from Duke and UNC Chapel Hill, she was able to open up to them and get additional support while they kept everything completely confidential.

This has also given her otherworldly perspective that helps her deal with her control issues.

“That’s why I like religion,” Kauwe said. “It’s like look uour not okay now but there are forces beyond your control that can help you if you’re willing to help yourself.”

She knew that she wanted to go on a missionary trip with the LDS at some point, but expected it to be after she graduated. However, at the end of fall semester she began to question whether or not Elon was the place where she belonged and decided to look at her options.

“I just had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go on a mission,” Kauwe said. “I talked to my mission leader and bishop, Todd Coleman, and we started saying a prayer, but we didn’t need to finish because we both knew this is what needed to happen.”

Coleman is also an associate professor of music at Elon University, furthering a connection between religion and school for Kauwe and a source for support. He said members of the LDS have an emotional and spiritual connection by devoting multiple hours to the church each week and following moral codes.

Missionaries take this with them as they share the word of the gospel and partake in service.

Coleman served his own mission in Minnesota a few years ago and found an immense amount of growth in himself and believe Kauwe will too.

“When you sacrifice your own self interest to strengthen other people, you can’t help but grow yourself,” Coleman said. “Most missionaries when they come home are more mature, humble, wise than before. You gain a decade worth of experience in less than two years.”

Kauwe learns in April where she’ll be heading. When she returns it will be her senior year, allowing her to graduate with her class.

For the missionary trip, Kauwe plans on keeping an open mind. She knows not everyone will agree with her beliefs, but hopes to educate them through her own experiences and what the church has done for her.

“Even if others don’t accept the religion I aceept they can still learn from other religions,” she said. “If I can serve someone else and do that, and serve people who do have or don’t have the same believes that’s for my benefit.”

Student releases first single on iTunes

By: Courtney Campbell

Brooke Greenberg started to sing as soon as she could talk.

At 7, Greenberg, now a sophomore, went to an open-casting call, found an agent and a voice teacher and started performing in musical theater. While watching Taylor Swift’s “Love Song” music video at 13, she became inspired to learn guitar and write her own songs. She has been writing her own music ever since.

“You Already Knew” is known

Under the stage name Brooke Alexx, Greenberg has released her first single, “You Already Knew,” on iTunes. The song dropped Feb. 14. In the first 24 hours it sold about 200 copies, and more than 600 people watched the music video. 

“I’d say [the single has been doing] pretty well,” Greenberg said. “Everyone has been Snapchatting and texting me that they love it, and my friends and family have been sharing it on Facebook.”

Lyrics such as “All this time you were just using me,” “All your lies, I foolishly believed” and a repetitive chorus of “You already knew” come from her life experiences. 

“The song is about a boy I was with who already knew he was going to end it the whole time,” Greenberg said. “I’ve been told the song is more pop with a hint of country. I’d describe it as an edgy, I’m-better-off-without-you anthem.”

Greenberg wrote the single fall 2013 and said it is her favorite both lyrically and melodically. She performed it in “Electric Ensemble,” both a course and a band in which students perform their original works as a group, and it was received well by the audience.

The reception was so positive that she decided to record it.

“Having a song on iTunes has always been a goal of mine, something on my bucket list,” Greenberg said. “Just to have my own original music out there, it’s so exciting. I’m just excited for my friends and family to hear it and see what they think, but you never know who could see it. If you don’t put yourself out there, nothing can happen.”

A little help from my friends

Her friend Spencer Clarke, a senior and member of Elon’s all-male a cappella group, Rip_Chord, recorded and mixed  for her. He started working with Greenberg through Limelight Records, an on-campus record label, during her first year at Elon.

“At the time, Brooke’s songwriting wasn’t really up to par, so there weren’t enough good songs for a full album,” Clarke said. “After a year of classes and some management changes on her end, we agreed to just work on a single of her best song, ‘You Already Knew.’”

Like Greenberg, Clarke agrees that this was the best choice for her first single.

“It checks all the right boxes for being popular music, and it could certainly make it to the radio if she knew the right people,” he said.

The recording process began in January with the creation of scratch tracks, or throwaway recordings, of

Greenberg recording. Photo courtesy of Brooke Greenberg.

Greenberg on guitar and voice.

Clark then added members from the Electric Ensemble to the track, with senior Jack Garno on guitar and bass, senior Jake Valente on drums, junior Addison Horner on synthesizer and senior Jess Riloff on backup vocals.

Having so many members to record made scheduling difficult. The musicians had to find times when everyone was free and when the recording studio was open. 

“Some days, the recording studio would be already booked weeks in advance,” Clarke said. “So we took my equipment down to the audio suites in the School of Communications and recorded down there.”

A Winter Term of work

Clarke spent his Winter Term 2015 weekends mixing the song and sending it to friends and alumni of the music department for feedback. It went through five rounds of reviews before it was ready.

To help get the word out, Greenberg contacted Elon alumnus Matt Carter ’13 to design the album cover art and Facebook cover photo. Then, during the summer, seniors Julia Boyd and Cappy Leonard contacted Greenberg to ask if she wanted to do a music video that they could add to their portfolio. It worked out perfectly for both parties.

“They were very accommodating and professional,” Greenberg said.  “I loved working with them.”

The “You Already Knew” music video features familiar spots around campus. It begins in The Oak House, where Greenberg is scribbling lyrics. The rest flashes between Greenberg performing with the band and scenes of a relationship  between Greenberg and a young man, played by senior Jordan Roman, falling apart.

The music video can be found on Greenberg’s YouTube channel “BrookeAlexx” along with various covers she has recorded, including “Take Me Home” by Cash Cash  and “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith.

Planning out the release of the single was the hardest part, but also the most rewarding. 

“It was difficult because I had to put everything together,” Greenberg said. “But that was also my favorite part. I love being hands-on and doing things myself, so I’m glad I had basically all the power in determining everything from the plot of the music video to the date everything would be released.”

Greenberg has written many other songs during her career. Her first, written when she was a sophomore in high school, is called “Your Song,” which was inspired by her father.

She hopes to record another this semester, assuming she can get the whole team together again. 

Keeping with the beat

Since this is Greenberg’s first recorded song, she still has plenty to learn as an artist, but Clarke said she has potential.

“I think Brooke still has a lot to learn in terms of songwriting, but if everything in her future gets better than this, I think she has the potential to have a lot of success in popular music,” he said. “Her voice is unreal.”

On campus, Greenberg is involved with different forms of music. She sings with the a cappella group Sweet Signatures, which allows her to practice singing while surrounded by a group that supports her.

“It’s my favorite thing I’m involved with on campus,” Greenberg said. “Our friendships are very real, and I love that it’s such a tight-knit group of girls, and we all get to do what we love together. It’s a special thing, and I am lucky to be a part of it.”

Greenberg has also signed with Limelight Music Group, Elon’s promotional group for up-and-coming musicians. She may be doing shows throughout the spring as well.

For now, she will continue to write and create what she can. 

“I love that lyrics and melody can convey what words can’t,” Greenberg said. “It’s an outlet to express my emotions when words alone fail.”